Archive for November, 2012


Last year, I was privileged enough to receive two very interesting emails from the most grandiose of dignitaries. One, a Mr. Ulrich Claypole of the world-renowned and highly-respected law firm, Ulrich Chambers, and the other, a Mr. Christopher Neal – an employee of the World Bank Institute in the office of the Vice President, no less. Why these eminent gentlemen chose to contact me, I’ll never know. Maybe word of my unmatched knowledge of obscure ’90s footballers, appreciation of German arrogance and new found love of Charles Manson Dancing to the Scatman has reached Nigerian shores and proved an irresistible draw. Here’s what they had to say…

Date: Wed, 7 Dec 2011 07:27:37 -0600
To: Me
Subject: CAN I TRUST YOU..$$.?
From: ulrichclaypole@dca.net

Hello Friend,

My name is Ulrich Claypole, I am a barrister by profession. I want you to assist me in transferring the funds of my dead client.

I am willing to offer 45% to you as the sole beneficiary and you will remit 55% to me after the funds has been transferred to you.

If you are interested do get back to me on ulrichclaypole@aol.co.uk only for more information and details on how to proceed.

Do not be afraid it is 100% risk free and safe because I have all the necessary documents.

For Security Reasons Please Use This Email Address Only ulrichclaypole@aol.co.uk

Thanks.

Barrister. Ulrich Claypole.
Attorney At Law,
Ulrich Chambers.

From: Me
To: ulrichclaypole@aol.co.uk
Subject: RE: CAN I TRUST YOU..$$.?
Date: Wed, 7 Dec 2011 22:15:08 +0000

Dear Mr. Claypole,

It is an honour and a privilege to receive your correspondence. I must say, I am flattered that you would want to provide me with financial recompense in exchange for my help in the matter below. May I ask why you have chosen me specifically for this role? After all, you have no idea who I am and I most certainly have never heard of you, my good man. Why, Ulrich Claypole sounds to me like a German pole-vaulter!

Do you have an interest in pole-vaulting? Funnily enough, I have recently taken an interest in this incredibly under-rated sport. However, the garden washing prop that I was using to hurl myself onto my neighbour’s gazebo has snapped and as such, I can no longer practice the bank robbery I am planning which will see me leap onto the roof of Lloyds TSB, scale into the vault and steal thousands upon thousands of British pounds. Your kind offer of money will therefore go a long way towards helping me buy a new pole! In exchange for you helping me help you, I am willing to offer you 50% of the money that I will steal from the vault (not the pole-vault).

Please tell me how to proceed as I would love to help you.

Kind regards,

Rupert Pendragon

Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2011 16:26:13 +0200
To: Me
Subject: PAYMENT
From: info@woldbank.org

How are you today?

The below payment has been awarded to you by the British Government/World Bank to compensate you on the past experience you had online.

I write to inform you that we have already sent you $7,500.00 through Western Union as we have been given the mandate to transfer your full compensation payment total sum of $750,000.00 (SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND UNITED STATE DOLLARS) via Western Union by the Government. We have paid to them their transfer charges registration fee activation charges insurance coverage fee and their security Safe Keeping fee. So please contact them now in case of demurrage.

Below is the account officer contact information including his email address with the transfer reference number. Note that without you indicating your transfer reference number as listed below to the Branch manager WESTERN UNION LAGOS NIGERIA, they will not listen to you they will be imagining if you want to steal another person’s funds.

Rev Smith Owen – Manager Western Union Money Transfer Lagos-Nigeria.
Agent ID: 00345
E-mail:revsmithconsultant@wss-id.org
Call Centre: +448007314814
Call Tel: +2347090965861
Swift Code: CPEL/OWN/00345
Transfer reference Number: EG2272

Also below is the information they need to transfer your funds to you.

Full name :……………
City :……………
Country :……………
Name that you will use to receive your payment per day :……………
Amounts send by per day $7,500.00 USD :…………………………..
Telephone :……………………………………….
Mobile Number :………………………………….
Passport copy if any or any form of identity card :……………..

Please make sure the information is complete as they promised that once they receive your details, within 2 to 3 working hours your payment will be transfer to you according to the account officer. Once again, the Western Union Money Transfer Lagos-Nigeria Management does not know about the funds, it was registered as your funds with them, this is to avoid them delaying the transfer and besides I don’t want you to lose your money.

Your transfer pin code number is (0114) take note, the amount you can receive per day is $7,500.00 USD. (Seven Thousand Five Hundred Dollars)

Washington, D.C.
Contact: Mr. Christopher Neal
Address: The World Bank Institute
Office of the Vice President
1818 H Street, N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20433

From: Me
To: western.union0147@wss-id.org
Subject: RE: PAYMENT
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2011 21:29:05 +0100

Dear Mr. Christopher Neal,

Thank you for sending me such a courteous email. It’s certainly a great relief to learn that the British Government are finally willing to compensate me for the trauma I suffered whilst browsing the Internet. Had I known then what I know now, I’d certainly never even have contemplated entering the search term “lemon party” into Google. As I’m sure you know, it was Pancake Day here in Britain on the day of the incident and I decided to host a gathering to commemorate this wonderful occasion. Freshly squeezed lemon is the perfect accompaniment to a scrumptious pancake and I simply wanted to find some inspiration for a lemon-related theme party. However, what I saw that day will haunt me forever and no amount of money (no matter how generous) will erase the images that are now permanently etched onto my retina. That’s not to say I’m not highly appreciative of your offer which I’d be delighted to accept.

Before I provide you with the details you require, please could you be so kind as to answer a couple of questions for me:

1) Does Rev. Smith Owen (I presume he is a Reverend?) belong to The Order of the Brothers of Our Lady of Mount Carmel? As a devoted Carmelite myself, I am strictly obligated to conduct financial transactions with members of the same religious order only. It concerns me slightly that Rev. Smith has had to accept a job with Western Union, however. Is the Lagos congregation short on numbers these days? If so, I’d be more than willing to devote my time to raising the profile of this renowned church. Please let me know how I can help.

2) Would it be possible to amend the amount you’re looking to send to me? 7,500.00 is my unlucky number. I am willing to accept $7,499.00, however.

I look forward to hearing back from you shortly.

Thanks for your time and god bless.

Dwayne Pipe (I recently changed my name by Deed Poll because I received death threats from the local mafia who accused me of watching old men have sex following the lemon party incident)

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Over the years, I’ve had many brushes with Nigerian scammers. Generally, this has tended to be in the form of an email from someone called Goodluck Jonathan telling me he needs to get some funds out of Lagos but can’t without my financial assistance. If I help, I’ll get a cut of the dough. You know the drill, we’ve all been there. I must admit, I really look forward to receiving these emails and have always made an effort to respond after stumbling upon a website called 419eater.com which hilariously documents the results of so-called “scambaiting” encounters. As the site explains, “Scambaiting is when you enter into a dialogue with scammers, simply to waste their time and resources. Whilst you are doing this, you will be helping to keep the scammers away from real potential victims and screwing around with the minds of deserving thieves”. Personally, I’m not so bothered about keeping scammers away from potential victims – if you’re stupid enough to fall for one of these emails you’ve got no hope anyway. Instead, I am much more concerned with baiting the con artists (who, more often than not, do tend to be Nigerian) into performing amusing tricks for their money. Things like balancing a loaf of bread on your head.

Unfortunately, I’ve not yet managed to convince a trickster to balance a loaf of bread on his head. However, a couple of weeks ago, I received a Facebook friend request from someone called Joy. After a quick check of her (?) profile, I realised she/he was a Nigerian (in Nigeria) and given that I have never been to Nigeria, nor do I know any Nigerians, almost certainly out to con me. Straight away, I realised this was too good an opportunity to turn down and clicked the accept button in an instant. Seconds later, I heard the familiar sound of a new Facebook message. It was almost poetic in its beauty as you’ll soon see. But, before I recount the conversation between Joy and I, I must first clarify some of the terminology used in this exchange:

  1. “Crafty when it pops out” is a phrase attributed to the former Leyton Orient player and manager, John Sitton, who famously went nuts at his team in a half time team talk that featured in a Channel 4 documentary aired in the mid ’90s. Alongside Keegan’s more renowned on air breakdown, this really is compelling viewing for any football fan. It can be found by clicking here.
  2. Melchester Rovers are a fictional football team with whom Roy Race spent most of his illustrious career in the British comic strip Roy of the Rovers, which first appeared in Tiger at its inception in 1954. Information courtesy of Wikipedia
  3. Irthlingborough and Wellingborough are deprived towns in the English county of Northamptonshire. A description of the former and its inhabitants can be found in my earlier blog entitled “Irthlingborough Weirdo Watch”

So here we go. Please note: Joy’s grammatical monstrosities are deliberately reproduced.

Joy: “Hey, thanks for accepting me”

Me: “No problem”

Joy: “My name is Joy and am Nigerian. Please can we be close friendz?”

Me: “As much as I would be overwhelmed by that, we don’t yet know each other, Joy!”

Joy: “Yeah, I can make you know me better”

Me: “How would you do that?”

Joy: “I can tell you more about myself”

Me: “Go on then, what are your talents…”

Joy: “Writing, am very creative and I have good ideas. I love singing, but am still trying to train my voice. I love sports so much too.”

Me: “Tell me about some of your good ideas? I had a good idea once. They really should design a razor with a spirit level in it so that men can avoid uneven and unshapely sideburns. What do you think?”

Joy: “Wow your idea is a good one. But I think razor should have more than four sharp edges covered with plastics, the plastics would be removed when in use.”

Me: “I like the cut of your jib, Miss Cookey. How many sharp edges would your razor have, in ideal circumstances?”

Joy: “Six edges”

Me: “Ah ok. Six is my favourite number”

Joy: “Wow”

Me:  “Yours?”

Joy: “Ok. Seven is my favourite”

Me: “How come?”

Joy: “Because I believe stands for perfection”

Me: “That’s good, I stand for perfection too. My football team, Leicester City, nearly won 7 games in a row this season”

Joy: ”Wow, that’s great”

Me: “It’s stupendous. Crystal Palace beat us though – I blame Waghorn – he wasn’t crafty when it popped out. The lad needs to learn to drift off and fan out”

Joy: “Yeah. Wow you are a footballer? Jeeez am so happy chatting with you”

Me: “Yeah, I play for Melchester Rovers alongside the great Roy Race. Have you ever seen one of Racey’s Rockets? They are absolute net busters!”

Joy: “Wowwww, I wish you can see how happy I am. OoooOoooohh my God. Am so so happy. Am so lucky to chat with you”

Me: “I am happy too. Adarsh, my friend, just walked in with the brightest red shirt I have ever seen. It was dark in the room before, now it has been illuminated like a room powered by its very own sun! The boy has got a nerve though, he rolled in at just gone 11 and demanded I make him tea. Have you ever rolled in at gone 11, thinking you’re bertie big bollocks and demanding tea? I did once but John Sitton told me to bring my dinner”

Joy: “Lol, I never have rolled in at gone 11”

Me: “That’s good to hear. I don’t like those types of people”

Joy: “Yeah, me too”

Me: “Joy, are you crafty when it pops out? I know I mentioned that Waghorn wasn’t and that it annoyed me. I’d hate for you to tell me that you’re not crafty when it pops out. If you are, I see a future together brighter than Adarsh’s shirt. If not, you’ll be kicked into touch faster than you can say Racey’s Rocket!”

Joy: “Yeah, am so crafty especially when it pops out”

Me: “You’ve made my day, Joy!”

Joy: “Wow. Am happy to have made your day”

Me: “Well it’s rare that anyone can make my day. It only happened once before and that was when I discovered a video on YouTube where a team of midgets successfully chased down a camel in a relay race. Have you ever raced a camel?”

Joy: “No, I have never nut I know if am given a chance I would love to do it”

Me: “Do you think you would win?”

Joy: “Yeah, am always positive and I work towards positivity”

Me: “That’s good. There’s a song I like called Positivity by a band called Suede. Suede used to be managed by Ricky Gervais and I listened to some XFM podcasts with Ricky Gervais in today. That’s a weird coincidence isn’t it? See how connected we are already!”

Joy: “Yeah, am glad about that. How do you feel when your team does not win in a competition?”

Me: “Like a squirrel that has spent all its time burying nuts for the coming winter only to find that a bigger squirrel has stolen them all”

Joy: “Ooh. That’s really sad”

Me: “Or maybe even how Van Damme feels in the film ’Legionnaire’ when he is forced to flee to the French foreign legion. No wonder he had a monumental breakdown, poor guy”

Joy: “Yeah, its really frustrating”

Me: “I know. Joy, I have to go for a while now, it’s 12 o’clock and that’s when we have to practice our escape procedure. You see, Irthlingborough is at war with Wellingborough and there could be an attack at any moment. We need to be prepared”

Joy: “Ok Foster, I wish you all the best”

Me: “Thanks Joy, we can talk soon. Keep being crafty when it pops out please!”

Joy: “Okay. Its a pleasure chatting with you, bye”

Me: “You too, bye”

On the eve of the 57th quadrennial US presidential election, I am amused. Why? Because the world is about to bear witness to one of the most expensively-assembled Punch and Judy shows in living memory and very few are aware that what is taking place, is a charade. Staggeringly, in this age of unprecedented austerity, it is estimated that the total cost of the election could be just shy of $6 billion. I suppose it would be less grotesque and more palatable to me if there was any fundamental difference between the two candidates on offer. That Mr. Romney and Mr. Obama are mere puppets controlled by the real power brokers – the likes of Kissinger, the Rockefellers, Soros, Zbrinski, the Rothschilds and the rest of the shadowy wealthy Zionist elite – sits ill at ease with me. However, America stands proud and its citizens declare to anyone who’ll listen that they live in the land of the free, the land where anyone can become president (just as long as they have the backing of AIPAC). All hail the greatest democracy on earth where every four years they shuffle some shit around and let the people choose between two cheeks on the same arse.

Today, I heard Mitt Romney make a speech and amidst all the inane waffle, familiar clichés and psychobabble, he uttered the phrase “we can begin a better tomorrow, tomorrow”. Seriously, who really believes this crap? Four years ago we had Obama, the autocue president, pontificate about change. What this change was, he refused to say. But because change was perceived to be coming, people got a little excited and embraced this change without knowing what it really was. Many then realised that Obama was full of shit, like Bush was before him, like Clinton was before him and like poppa Bush was before that. Just how long does this cycle have to continue for people to realise that at no point does change ever arrive, and that the majority of election pledges go unfulfilled? As the late, great George Carlin once sarcastically said “as soon as the election is over, your country will improve immediately”. Except it won’t and if, in four years time, Romney is the incumbent president, battling for re-election against a backdrop of disaffected voters, just as Obama is now, there will be hordes of betrayed people voting for the other guy. The other guy who too will doubtless renege on his promises over another four year period. And the cycle continues, ad infinitum. Just look at “Mr. Change”, Obama, the man who was supposed to shut down the Guantanamo Bay detention centre (still open for business), repeal Bush’s tax cuts for higher incomes (tax rates extended in 2010), and sign abortion rights legislation immediately (still not enacted). If one needs just a smidgen of evidence of the degree to which presidents like Obama are controlled, one need only listen to the great man speak without the aid of a teleprompter. I’ve heard the pissheads down my local talk more sense. Such is the man’s reliance on other people’s words, he once thanked himself for appearing alongside former Irish Prime Minister, Brian Cowen. Obama had read the autocue meant for Mr. Cowen.

I wish you well America, but like us over on the other side of the pond, you’re being conned. All of this is an illusion of democracy, of freedom, of choice. Whatever the agenda is, it will be enacted, whether Romney or Obama is elected tomorrow. And to the woman, who I heard interviewed on BBC Breakfast news this morning, bemoaning the fact that Obama had broken all of his promises and would now be voting for Romney instead, I’ve got news for you. In four years time, you’ll be in exactly the same position. Just as all the people who voted for the “real change” Tories are in the UK – waiting for change that will never come. Truly, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.