Last year, I was privileged enough to receive two very interesting emails from the most grandiose of dignitaries. One, a Mr. Ulrich Claypole of the world-renowned and highly-respected law firm, Ulrich Chambers, and the other, a Mr. Christopher Neal – an employee of the World Bank Institute in the office of the Vice President, no less. Why these eminent gentlemen chose to contact me, I’ll never know. Maybe word of my unmatched knowledge of obscure ’90s footballers, appreciation of German arrogance and new found love of Charles Manson Dancing to the Scatman has reached Nigerian shores and proved an irresistible draw. Here’s what they had to say…

Date: Wed, 7 Dec 2011 07:27:37 -0600
To: Me
Subject: CAN I TRUST YOU..$$.?
From: ulrichclaypole@dca.net

Hello Friend,

My name is Ulrich Claypole, I am a barrister by profession. I want you to assist me in transferring the funds of my dead client.

I am willing to offer 45% to you as the sole beneficiary and you will remit 55% to me after the funds has been transferred to you.

If you are interested do get back to me on ulrichclaypole@aol.co.uk only for more information and details on how to proceed.

Do not be afraid it is 100% risk free and safe because I have all the necessary documents.

For Security Reasons Please Use This Email Address Only ulrichclaypole@aol.co.uk

Thanks.

Barrister. Ulrich Claypole.
Attorney At Law,
Ulrich Chambers.

From: Me
To: ulrichclaypole@aol.co.uk
Subject: RE: CAN I TRUST YOU..$$.?
Date: Wed, 7 Dec 2011 22:15:08 +0000

Dear Mr. Claypole,

It is an honour and a privilege to receive your correspondence. I must say, I am flattered that you would want to provide me with financial recompense in exchange for my help in the matter below. May I ask why you have chosen me specifically for this role? After all, you have no idea who I am and I most certainly have never heard of you, my good man. Why, Ulrich Claypole sounds to me like a German pole-vaulter!

Do you have an interest in pole-vaulting? Funnily enough, I have recently taken an interest in this incredibly under-rated sport. However, the garden washing prop that I was using to hurl myself onto my neighbour’s gazebo has snapped and as such, I can no longer practice the bank robbery I am planning which will see me leap onto the roof of Lloyds TSB, scale into the vault and steal thousands upon thousands of British pounds. Your kind offer of money will therefore go a long way towards helping me buy a new pole! In exchange for you helping me help you, I am willing to offer you 50% of the money that I will steal from the vault (not the pole-vault).

Please tell me how to proceed as I would love to help you.

Kind regards,

Rupert Pendragon

Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2011 16:26:13 +0200
To: Me
Subject: PAYMENT
From: info@woldbank.org

How are you today?

The below payment has been awarded to you by the British Government/World Bank to compensate you on the past experience you had online.

I write to inform you that we have already sent you $7,500.00 through Western Union as we have been given the mandate to transfer your full compensation payment total sum of $750,000.00 (SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND UNITED STATE DOLLARS) via Western Union by the Government. We have paid to them their transfer charges registration fee activation charges insurance coverage fee and their security Safe Keeping fee. So please contact them now in case of demurrage.

Below is the account officer contact information including his email address with the transfer reference number. Note that without you indicating your transfer reference number as listed below to the Branch manager WESTERN UNION LAGOS NIGERIA, they will not listen to you they will be imagining if you want to steal another person’s funds.

Rev Smith Owen – Manager Western Union Money Transfer Lagos-Nigeria.
Agent ID: 00345
E-mail:revsmithconsultant@wss-id.org
Call Centre: +448007314814
Call Tel: +2347090965861
Swift Code: CPEL/OWN/00345
Transfer reference Number: EG2272

Also below is the information they need to transfer your funds to you.

Full name :……………
City :……………
Country :……………
Name that you will use to receive your payment per day :……………
Amounts send by per day $7,500.00 USD :…………………………..
Telephone :……………………………………….
Mobile Number :………………………………….
Passport copy if any or any form of identity card :……………..

Please make sure the information is complete as they promised that once they receive your details, within 2 to 3 working hours your payment will be transfer to you according to the account officer. Once again, the Western Union Money Transfer Lagos-Nigeria Management does not know about the funds, it was registered as your funds with them, this is to avoid them delaying the transfer and besides I don’t want you to lose your money.

Your transfer pin code number is (0114) take note, the amount you can receive per day is $7,500.00 USD. (Seven Thousand Five Hundred Dollars)

Washington, D.C.
Contact: Mr. Christopher Neal
Address: The World Bank Institute
Office of the Vice President
1818 H Street, N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20433

From: Me
To: western.union0147@wss-id.org
Subject: RE: PAYMENT
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2011 21:29:05 +0100

Dear Mr. Christopher Neal,

Thank you for sending me such a courteous email. It’s certainly a great relief to learn that the British Government are finally willing to compensate me for the trauma I suffered whilst browsing the Internet. Had I known then what I know now, I’d certainly never even have contemplated entering the search term “lemon party” into Google. As I’m sure you know, it was Pancake Day here in Britain on the day of the incident and I decided to host a gathering to commemorate this wonderful occasion. Freshly squeezed lemon is the perfect accompaniment to a scrumptious pancake and I simply wanted to find some inspiration for a lemon-related theme party. However, what I saw that day will haunt me forever and no amount of money (no matter how generous) will erase the images that are now permanently etched onto my retina. That’s not to say I’m not highly appreciative of your offer which I’d be delighted to accept.

Before I provide you with the details you require, please could you be so kind as to answer a couple of questions for me:

1) Does Rev. Smith Owen (I presume he is a Reverend?) belong to The Order of the Brothers of Our Lady of Mount Carmel? As a devoted Carmelite myself, I am strictly obligated to conduct financial transactions with members of the same religious order only. It concerns me slightly that Rev. Smith has had to accept a job with Western Union, however. Is the Lagos congregation short on numbers these days? If so, I’d be more than willing to devote my time to raising the profile of this renowned church. Please let me know how I can help.

2) Would it be possible to amend the amount you’re looking to send to me? 7,500.00 is my unlucky number. I am willing to accept $7,499.00, however.

I look forward to hearing back from you shortly.

Thanks for your time and god bless.

Dwayne Pipe (I recently changed my name by Deed Poll because I received death threats from the local mafia who accused me of watching old men have sex following the lemon party incident)