Category: Comedy

When I first set up this blog, the aim was to impress a global audience, all of whom would be enchanted by the unrivalled poetic beauty with which I convey my thoughts on life. My inbox was to be jam-packed with emails from editors begging me to contribute to their publications and they’d pay me a king’s ransom to do so. I’d then retire at the age of 30 and fulfil my dream of turning MultiYork (née Oadby Furnishers) into a GTA Vice City-style 80s bar, complete with casino. That life hasn’t turned out like that is a big fat travesty. The fact that I can rarely be bothered to write anything and when I do, it’s of absolutely no interest to anyone is if no statistical significance whatsoever.

The above is, of course, bollocks. However, I wanted to write it as many a time, I’ve been asked what it is that I do for a living. The opening paragraph is a perfectly succinct microcosmic example. I’m a gobshite and this gobshite hasn’t updated his blog in a while as he’s been busy being a professional gobshite in order to earn the requisite cash that will keep him away from the UK for a little longer. To return to the land of his birth at this stage would be tantamount to suicide – he cannot jeapordise his recovery from a working-in-Wellingborough-for-four-years induced breakdown just yet.

Back to writing in the first person.

I will return, one day. Maybe in 2015. That’s because in 2015, we are due to have a general election and countries magically improve the day after general elections. Or that’s what people seem to believe as they alternate their vote between two parties with a history of failure and the exact same policies, time after time. That’s right, it makes perfect sense to vote for the Tories once you’re tired of Labour rule and then switch back to Labour again when you’re sick of the Tories. If you repeat this trick ad infinitum, you can convince yourself that you live in a democracy, feel better that your country invades other countries to install similar “democracies” and gleefully denounce anyone who thinks otherwise as a fruitcake. Speaking of “fruitcakes”, I’m very pleased that UKIP has so spectacularly managed to upset the status quo with its staggering success in this week’s council elections. However, I’m sure the LibLabCon cabal will continue wreaking destruction upon my homeland making the prospect of a return less appetising than a ones-up with Diane “I’m not racist” Abbott.

Other than losing more hair and getting agitated with the brainwashed robot radicals that are a cancer on the UK, what have I been up to? In a nutshell, I’ve been enjoying life. I’m of the opinion that you’re a long time dead and while money is of course, an unavoidable necessity, human beings were simply not put on this planet to carry out a lifetime of drudgery (work). So while I have been working, I’ve been doing it as and when I want, and on my terms. Not between the hours of 9 and 5 on weekdays as so many are forced to. Instead, I’ve been bettering myself. I’m getting physically fit for the first time in years, I’ve resurrected my once semi-successful tennis “career” and I’m learning a new language – Spanish. Fair enough, the latter is proving difficult and I’m largely incapable of coherent conversation, but I’m persevering. I just cannot get my head round the need to assign genders to inanimate objects. La mesa? El sofá? What if something new is invented? Who decides whether it’s male or female and what criteria do they use? Maybe if the Spanish weren’t so busy faffing round with the dictionary, they’d never have had to cede Gibraltar to us Brits!

While I have been expanding my cultural horizons, I have not forgotten the things that make Britain great either – stupendous tea and incredible beer. Thanks to my dad’s generosity, a shipment of the finest organic tea arrived last week. If there’s ever a slight crisis, out come the teabags. Similarly, each day now begins with a good cup of tea, as it should. For St. George’s Day, I managed to procure four bottles of Abbot Ale and two dimpled pint glasses. It was a truly fantastic moment to enjoy “warm beer” once again (I’ve explained that it’s not warm, many a time, but it’s rarely understood). Maybe that’s because I explain in English, like every arrogant Englishman should. And if I’m still not understood I talk a bit louder before smashing the place up, safe in the knowledge that I tried my best.

One thing that did amuse me the other day was a chance encounter with some Germans. There I was, making my way to admire the sun set over the Pacific Ocean from a beautiful cliff top vantage point in Larcomar, when not one, but two distressed Germans accosted me. This is pretty much a summary of our exchange:

Heavily-perspiring German: “Habla Español?”

Me: “No”

Heavily-perspiring German: “Do you speak English?”

Me: “Yes”

Heavily-perspiring German: “Thank you, thank you. Where are you from?”

Me: “England”

Heavily-perspiring German: “Nice to meet you. I’m from Germany. I hope you’re not offended by what I am about to say but I need some help. Earlier today, my backpack was stolen and I lost all my documents. My passport, money, EVERYTHING. I have been to my embassy and they have managed to get me a hotel room for the night, for free, but they’re not like your embassy. They won’t give me any financial assistance. Once again, I’m sorry to have to ask you this, but would you be able to give me some money so I can get something to eat? I haven’t eaten for over 24 hours and I’m so tired. I can give you my details so that I can repay you as soon as I can”.

Me: “I’m really sorry, but I only have enough money for my taxi home and I don’t have my cash card with me. Best of luck though”.

Seconds later, another German approached.

German #2: “Do you speak English?”

Me: “No”.

As a man who talks bollocks for a living, I found this story to be highly dubious. Firstly, I’m sure German embassies don’t abandon their citizens like that. Secondly, it might have been more convincing if both weren’t wearing brand new t-shirts emblazoned with “Atlantic City Casino” in the middle of the gambling part of town. It would seem that, given the extreme panic emanating from every pore, one of them had stuck the lot on red, while the roulette ball agonisingly settled on black. Strangely, in my three months away, I’ve encountered numerous inefficient Germans. Is it Merkel’s policy to deport the inefficient minority these days? I hope so. I also hope that they replace “Deutschlandlied” with Nena’s “99 Luftballons” as their national anthem.

Last year, I was privileged enough to receive two very interesting emails from the most grandiose of dignitaries. One, a Mr. Ulrich Claypole of the world-renowned and highly-respected law firm, Ulrich Chambers, and the other, a Mr. Christopher Neal – an employee of the World Bank Institute in the office of the Vice President, no less. Why these eminent gentlemen chose to contact me, I’ll never know. Maybe word of my unmatched knowledge of obscure ’90s footballers, appreciation of German arrogance and new found love of Charles Manson Dancing to the Scatman has reached Nigerian shores and proved an irresistible draw. Here’s what they had to say…

Date: Wed, 7 Dec 2011 07:27:37 -0600
To: Me
Subject: CAN I TRUST YOU..$$.?

Hello Friend,

My name is Ulrich Claypole, I am a barrister by profession. I want you to assist me in transferring the funds of my dead client.

I am willing to offer 45% to you as the sole beneficiary and you will remit 55% to me after the funds has been transferred to you.

If you are interested do get back to me on only for more information and details on how to proceed.

Do not be afraid it is 100% risk free and safe because I have all the necessary documents.

For Security Reasons Please Use This Email Address Only


Barrister. Ulrich Claypole.
Attorney At Law,
Ulrich Chambers.

From: Me
Subject: RE: CAN I TRUST YOU..$$.?
Date: Wed, 7 Dec 2011 22:15:08 +0000

Dear Mr. Claypole,

It is an honour and a privilege to receive your correspondence. I must say, I am flattered that you would want to provide me with financial recompense in exchange for my help in the matter below. May I ask why you have chosen me specifically for this role? After all, you have no idea who I am and I most certainly have never heard of you, my good man. Why, Ulrich Claypole sounds to me like a German pole-vaulter!

Do you have an interest in pole-vaulting? Funnily enough, I have recently taken an interest in this incredibly under-rated sport. However, the garden washing prop that I was using to hurl myself onto my neighbour’s gazebo has snapped and as such, I can no longer practice the bank robbery I am planning which will see me leap onto the roof of Lloyds TSB, scale into the vault and steal thousands upon thousands of British pounds. Your kind offer of money will therefore go a long way towards helping me buy a new pole! In exchange for you helping me help you, I am willing to offer you 50% of the money that I will steal from the vault (not the pole-vault).

Please tell me how to proceed as I would love to help you.

Kind regards,

Rupert Pendragon

Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2011 16:26:13 +0200
To: Me
Subject: PAYMENT

How are you today?

The below payment has been awarded to you by the British Government/World Bank to compensate you on the past experience you had online.

I write to inform you that we have already sent you $7,500.00 through Western Union as we have been given the mandate to transfer your full compensation payment total sum of $750,000.00 (SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND UNITED STATE DOLLARS) via Western Union by the Government. We have paid to them their transfer charges registration fee activation charges insurance coverage fee and their security Safe Keeping fee. So please contact them now in case of demurrage.

Below is the account officer contact information including his email address with the transfer reference number. Note that without you indicating your transfer reference number as listed below to the Branch manager WESTERN UNION LAGOS NIGERIA, they will not listen to you they will be imagining if you want to steal another person’s funds.

Rev Smith Owen – Manager Western Union Money Transfer Lagos-Nigeria.
Agent ID: 00345
Call Centre: +448007314814
Call Tel: +2347090965861
Swift Code: CPEL/OWN/00345
Transfer reference Number: EG2272

Also below is the information they need to transfer your funds to you.

Full name :……………
City :……………
Country :……………
Name that you will use to receive your payment per day :……………
Amounts send by per day $7,500.00 USD :…………………………..
Telephone :……………………………………….
Mobile Number :………………………………….
Passport copy if any or any form of identity card :……………..

Please make sure the information is complete as they promised that once they receive your details, within 2 to 3 working hours your payment will be transfer to you according to the account officer. Once again, the Western Union Money Transfer Lagos-Nigeria Management does not know about the funds, it was registered as your funds with them, this is to avoid them delaying the transfer and besides I don’t want you to lose your money.

Your transfer pin code number is (0114) take note, the amount you can receive per day is $7,500.00 USD. (Seven Thousand Five Hundred Dollars)

Washington, D.C.
Contact: Mr. Christopher Neal
Address: The World Bank Institute
Office of the Vice President
1818 H Street, N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20433

From: Me
Subject: RE: PAYMENT
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2011 21:29:05 +0100

Dear Mr. Christopher Neal,

Thank you for sending me such a courteous email. It’s certainly a great relief to learn that the British Government are finally willing to compensate me for the trauma I suffered whilst browsing the Internet. Had I known then what I know now, I’d certainly never even have contemplated entering the search term “lemon party” into Google. As I’m sure you know, it was Pancake Day here in Britain on the day of the incident and I decided to host a gathering to commemorate this wonderful occasion. Freshly squeezed lemon is the perfect accompaniment to a scrumptious pancake and I simply wanted to find some inspiration for a lemon-related theme party. However, what I saw that day will haunt me forever and no amount of money (no matter how generous) will erase the images that are now permanently etched onto my retina. That’s not to say I’m not highly appreciative of your offer which I’d be delighted to accept.

Before I provide you with the details you require, please could you be so kind as to answer a couple of questions for me:

1) Does Rev. Smith Owen (I presume he is a Reverend?) belong to The Order of the Brothers of Our Lady of Mount Carmel? As a devoted Carmelite myself, I am strictly obligated to conduct financial transactions with members of the same religious order only. It concerns me slightly that Rev. Smith has had to accept a job with Western Union, however. Is the Lagos congregation short on numbers these days? If so, I’d be more than willing to devote my time to raising the profile of this renowned church. Please let me know how I can help.

2) Would it be possible to amend the amount you’re looking to send to me? 7,500.00 is my unlucky number. I am willing to accept $7,499.00, however.

I look forward to hearing back from you shortly.

Thanks for your time and god bless.

Dwayne Pipe (I recently changed my name by Deed Poll because I received death threats from the local mafia who accused me of watching old men have sex following the lemon party incident)

Over the years, I’ve had many brushes with Nigerian scammers. Generally, this has tended to be in the form of an email from someone called Goodluck Jonathan telling me he needs to get some funds out of Lagos but can’t without my financial assistance. If I help, I’ll get a cut of the dough. You know the drill, we’ve all been there. I must admit, I really look forward to receiving these emails and have always made an effort to respond after stumbling upon a website called which hilariously documents the results of so-called “scambaiting” encounters. As the site explains, “Scambaiting is when you enter into a dialogue with scammers, simply to waste their time and resources. Whilst you are doing this, you will be helping to keep the scammers away from real potential victims and screwing around with the minds of deserving thieves”. Personally, I’m not so bothered about keeping scammers away from potential victims – if you’re stupid enough to fall for one of these emails you’ve got no hope anyway. Instead, I am much more concerned with baiting the con artists (who, more often than not, do tend to be Nigerian) into performing amusing tricks for their money. Things like balancing a loaf of bread on your head.

Unfortunately, I’ve not yet managed to convince a trickster to balance a loaf of bread on his head. However, a couple of weeks ago, I received a Facebook friend request from someone called Joy. After a quick check of her (?) profile, I realised she/he was a Nigerian (in Nigeria) and given that I have never been to Nigeria, nor do I know any Nigerians, almost certainly out to con me. Straight away, I realised this was too good an opportunity to turn down and clicked the accept button in an instant. Seconds later, I heard the familiar sound of a new Facebook message. It was almost poetic in its beauty as you’ll soon see. But, before I recount the conversation between Joy and I, I must first clarify some of the terminology used in this exchange:

  1. “Crafty when it pops out” is a phrase attributed to the former Leyton Orient player and manager, John Sitton, who famously went nuts at his team in a half time team talk that featured in a Channel 4 documentary aired in the mid ’90s. Alongside Keegan’s more renowned on air breakdown, this really is compelling viewing for any football fan. It can be found by clicking here.
  2. Melchester Rovers are a fictional football team with whom Roy Race spent most of his illustrious career in the British comic strip Roy of the Rovers, which first appeared in Tiger at its inception in 1954. Information courtesy of Wikipedia
  3. Irthlingborough and Wellingborough are deprived towns in the English county of Northamptonshire. A description of the former and its inhabitants can be found in my earlier blog entitled “Irthlingborough Weirdo Watch”

So here we go. Please note: Joy’s grammatical monstrosities are deliberately reproduced.

Joy: “Hey, thanks for accepting me”

Me: “No problem”

Joy: “My name is Joy and am Nigerian. Please can we be close friendz?”

Me: “As much as I would be overwhelmed by that, we don’t yet know each other, Joy!”

Joy: “Yeah, I can make you know me better”

Me: “How would you do that?”

Joy: “I can tell you more about myself”

Me: “Go on then, what are your talents…”

Joy: “Writing, am very creative and I have good ideas. I love singing, but am still trying to train my voice. I love sports so much too.”

Me: “Tell me about some of your good ideas? I had a good idea once. They really should design a razor with a spirit level in it so that men can avoid uneven and unshapely sideburns. What do you think?”

Joy: “Wow your idea is a good one. But I think razor should have more than four sharp edges covered with plastics, the plastics would be removed when in use.”

Me: “I like the cut of your jib, Miss Cookey. How many sharp edges would your razor have, in ideal circumstances?”

Joy: “Six edges”

Me: “Ah ok. Six is my favourite number”

Joy: “Wow”

Me:  “Yours?”

Joy: “Ok. Seven is my favourite”

Me: “How come?”

Joy: “Because I believe stands for perfection”

Me: “That’s good, I stand for perfection too. My football team, Leicester City, nearly won 7 games in a row this season”

Joy: ”Wow, that’s great”

Me: “It’s stupendous. Crystal Palace beat us though – I blame Waghorn – he wasn’t crafty when it popped out. The lad needs to learn to drift off and fan out”

Joy: “Yeah. Wow you are a footballer? Jeeez am so happy chatting with you”

Me: “Yeah, I play for Melchester Rovers alongside the great Roy Race. Have you ever seen one of Racey’s Rockets? They are absolute net busters!”

Joy: “Wowwww, I wish you can see how happy I am. OoooOoooohh my God. Am so so happy. Am so lucky to chat with you”

Me: “I am happy too. Adarsh, my friend, just walked in with the brightest red shirt I have ever seen. It was dark in the room before, now it has been illuminated like a room powered by its very own sun! The boy has got a nerve though, he rolled in at just gone 11 and demanded I make him tea. Have you ever rolled in at gone 11, thinking you’re bertie big bollocks and demanding tea? I did once but John Sitton told me to bring my dinner”

Joy: “Lol, I never have rolled in at gone 11”

Me: “That’s good to hear. I don’t like those types of people”

Joy: “Yeah, me too”

Me: “Joy, are you crafty when it pops out? I know I mentioned that Waghorn wasn’t and that it annoyed me. I’d hate for you to tell me that you’re not crafty when it pops out. If you are, I see a future together brighter than Adarsh’s shirt. If not, you’ll be kicked into touch faster than you can say Racey’s Rocket!”

Joy: “Yeah, am so crafty especially when it pops out”

Me: “You’ve made my day, Joy!”

Joy: “Wow. Am happy to have made your day”

Me: “Well it’s rare that anyone can make my day. It only happened once before and that was when I discovered a video on YouTube where a team of midgets successfully chased down a camel in a relay race. Have you ever raced a camel?”

Joy: “No, I have never nut I know if am given a chance I would love to do it”

Me: “Do you think you would win?”

Joy: “Yeah, am always positive and I work towards positivity”

Me: “That’s good. There’s a song I like called Positivity by a band called Suede. Suede used to be managed by Ricky Gervais and I listened to some XFM podcasts with Ricky Gervais in today. That’s a weird coincidence isn’t it? See how connected we are already!”

Joy: “Yeah, am glad about that. How do you feel when your team does not win in a competition?”

Me: “Like a squirrel that has spent all its time burying nuts for the coming winter only to find that a bigger squirrel has stolen them all”

Joy: “Ooh. That’s really sad”

Me: “Or maybe even how Van Damme feels in the film ’Legionnaire’ when he is forced to flee to the French foreign legion. No wonder he had a monumental breakdown, poor guy”

Joy: “Yeah, its really frustrating”

Me: “I know. Joy, I have to go for a while now, it’s 12 o’clock and that’s when we have to practice our escape procedure. You see, Irthlingborough is at war with Wellingborough and there could be an attack at any moment. We need to be prepared”

Joy: “Ok Foster, I wish you all the best”

Me: “Thanks Joy, we can talk soon. Keep being crafty when it pops out please!”

Joy: “Okay. Its a pleasure chatting with you, bye”

Me: “You too, bye”